I Gotta Get Off My Ass Now...

A lot has changed in my house in the last few months. The Sister has gone back to the Hell that is Houston, The Boogie Bear has started walking AND is now up to 4 teeth total! The Boy is in Boy Scouts, The Munchkin is demanding to go to school with her brother and the Husband is still working non-stop.

It took a while for our house to get back to normal once The Sister left, but we are finally a family unit once more. Now, that we are back to normal...or at least as normal as we can be, I felt it was time to work on me! So, a few girlfriends and I have started a weight loss challenge! We are all happy with our curves...cause you know, gotta have curves. We just want to be healthier. We figure if losing a few pounds will get us that, then by all means, let's drop those bitches!! Our fitness challenge is a bit different than most. We aren't just going off of weight loss. We are going off of body percentage lost.

The Husband is also working on changing something about him for the better...he is quitting smoking! For reals this time, not for play play. We get to be cranky together!! Him from not getting a cigarette, me from not getting the deliciousness that is bacon on a regular basis.

Ultimately, we will both be healthier for ourselves and for our family. We worked too hard to have a family, don't want to leave them unnecessarily early.

Now for the hard part. Actually getting off my ass and working out! I'm a broke bitch so a gym membership is out of the question. I do however have a mean ass Wii Fit Board. Thankfully, my baby girls love going to the park with Mommy, so walking the trails with them won't be an issue. My issue comes from this...I have something that is called PCOS * if you deal with infertility, you know what it is, or have at least heard of it before * It stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My hormones are out of whack and my body doesn't like to ovulate on it's own...simplified definition. But, because of my hormones being out of whack, I have to literally work 3 times harder than the average woman to lose weight. The challenge is going to be fun, but will be a lot of work and I see some frustration as well. 70 pounds is lot of weight to lose!! Here's hoping it all melts off like butter! MMMMMM.....Butter

*shrugs*

So what is it about me that gets people revved up? It's not my calm demeanor under stress, it's not my pretty face or that piece of shit truck I drive. I bet I know...It's the fact that I don't keep my mouth shut. I am not a submissive personality, so if I am unhappy with something, I let you know about it. My sister has the same personality, which I am so happy she does. She unfortunately doesn't know how to convey her dislike of something or someone appropriately. She figures just interrupting people and having an attitude will get her far...which has not.

I have been told that I have some anger toward her, which is true. I hate that she is spoiled rotten and can't shut up long enough to learn something. Here are a few things she should keep in mind if she wishes to survive the next few years...

1. My house, my rules...end of discussion.
2. Just because you don't agree with how I am raising you, doesn't mean jack shit. You don't agree with it because you don't have free reign like you did before.
3. When I'm talking, you don't. I will give you the same courtesy.
4. You are not grown. You don't know what goes on in my marriage or what we talk about...don't pretend you do.
5. You want to feel like you are apart of our family? Stop acting like a little shit and participate in family things. Just because we don't discuss financial with you doesn't mean we don't consider you a part of the family. We opened our home and our hearts to have you up here. Show some fucking gratitude.
6. WEAR AGE APPROPRIATE CLOTHING!!! You are 16. When you are 18 then you can dress like a tramp.
7. If we are discussing you, you don't, I repeat...DO NOT need to know about it until we decide that you do. If you don't like...tough shit.
8. Grades are number 1. If you can't care enough about your education, you will not get far, especially in the field you want to be in.
9. Watch your fucking language when you are talking to me. I will go old school and wash your mouth out with soap!
10. If you don't want to hear what I have to say about something, don't ask the question.

These are just the tip of the ice burg. You may think it's a bit harsh...I don't care. This girl has tugged my chain for the last time. The foot is down and booted up. It will go straight up someone's ass the next time I am tested. And please, don't think it's just her. I have a whole list for the husband as well...he is just as bad as she is. I can not do shit with the sister without the husband sticking up for her. I'm too hard on her. Of course this is someone who chose to give his parents hell just because he could. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but God Damn it...

1. Learn to provide a united front... I can't tell her one thing and then you go and say “I disagree” in front of her. You don't do it with our kids, don't do it with her.
2. Stop taking up for her all the fucking time. She is 16, she doesn't know everything. I don't either, but I sure as hell know a shit ton more than her. Unlike you, I have been a 16 year old girl and KNOW what the fuck she is planning on doing and what she is thinking.
3. If you refuse to do your part, don't do shit. Don't give input, don't offer advice, nothing.

Of course I have already discussed all these things with both of them, but I thought it would be nice for them to have a reference for when they fuck up again.  

They Just Don't Stop!

My kids eat so damn much. It's amazing that I can spend 70 bucks at the grocery store and within the hour it's all gone. I buy enough food for at least 3 days worth of meals, but do they consider that? Of course not.

I can't wait for my kids to go to college and have to provide for themselves. Maybe then, I'll get a few dollars to pay for when they come home to raid my fridge. You know what else? My kids are filthy. Not filthy as in they don't bathe, but in the fact that they can't seem to eat without spilling half of it on themselves. If they go outside, there is a 99.98% chance that grass stains will be involved. I can't tell you how much laundry I do in a week. I am constantly cooking and washing something. I'm that Mom that puts her perfectly clean child in the back seat, drives to destination, goes to take out child, and child is magically covered in chocolate or crumbs that I did not give them.

The husband is just as bad as the kids. He eats like a 15 year old line backer, but then gets heart burn and acid reflux like a 65 year old man. I'm constantly finding grease, food, soda, random stains from God only knows what on his clothes. Gotta love him though. He's only covered in grease from fixing the 115 things that are wrong with my car. He's covered in food from eating my awesome cooking, but the other stuff...all on him. I tell you what though, one of these days very soon...as in next week, most likely on my birthday'...I'm gonna eat all day, dirty up the house, and have someone clean up after me all day. I. Can't. Wait..

That Awkward moment...

...When you sit down to write and all of a sudden, there's nothing there. You draw a blank. You can't think of a single thing to write. It's writer's block and it's a bitch!

Ten minutes ago, I had all sorts of ideas running through my head. Funny ideas, too. Now, I have nothing. Maybe it's Mommy's Brain, brain farts, or the lack of sleep. There's no telling. I was sitting in front of my computer screen hoping something would come out of my fingertips...anything. So after a minute I decided to try something else. I would go about my day and see what happens. So..

1. Change baby
2. Feed baby
3. Yell at The Boy for annoying The Munchkin
4. Wonder if 11 A.M is too early for a mojito, then decide it is and plan on having one when the kids go to bed
5. Poke around in fridge
6. Feed baby again
7. Wake up The Sister
8. Curse at the computer for not giving me ideas
9. Paint my nails
10. Paint the girls' nails
11. Paint the sleeping husband's nails and giggle
12. Decide to take a friend's advice and write about writer's block

It's not fair to have all this awesomeness and not know what to write about. Hopefully, this will be my last writer's block for a while. It sucks. Now, off I go to feed the kids...again. ~New Topic!!~

It Hurts

 I know you all like to laugh, but today is a serious post for me. I don't know if y'all know, but I suffer from depression. I've had it from the time I was a teenager, but never dealt with it until my early twenties when I had to. Before my husband and I started trying to conceive our middle child, we and my mental health providers had a month long deliberation on how well I would be able to return to “normal” after being weaned off my medications. To be honest, I was so happy to be off of them. I felt like a walking zombie. I was more docile, but I wasn't myself. Even my husband could tell I wasn't myself. We just never found the right balance of medications.

Now instead of medicating with pharmaceuticals, I just try to watch my diet and keep a close eye on my emotions. They do run really high every once in a while, and then they get so low. The past week or so has been a low week. A lot of people think that depression is just made up. It's not just that one is really sad. Sadness can be just a part of it, or nothing to do with it at all. Mine comes from anger, stress, and the process of still learning how to mentally cope with those feelings.

I can't tell you how much it hurts. It's not just a mental and emotional pain, it physically hurts! My muscles ache, my stomach is in knots, I get dizzy, nauseated, and a headache. It's almost like I'm suffering from a massive hangover after being beaten to a pulp. I don't want to get out of bed at times...of course I have to because I have 4 children to look after.

I hate when I hit these depression spells. My family doesn't get the Mom/Wife they deserve when I'm in them. I feel like such a bad parent and spouse because I have decided to forgo western medicine to help me deal with it. I just don't feel like myself when I'm on them. All my umph is gone. I wish there was a more mainstream holistic way to help deal with it. I have so much more than just myself I have to worry about when I take something. Everything I ingest, I worry about how it will effect my baby and my milk supply.

I am hoping that one day balancing out our brain chemistry will be much easier than it is now. And it won't take 15 different medications to do so. What I would love to happen would be if more people understood just how much of a pain in the ass depression is. How painful it is. How much it just breaks a person or family down. I wish it could be as easy to walk into a psychologist or psychiatrists office and ask for help as it is to walk into a family physician or chiropractor's office and say “this hurts, please fix it.” Hopefully one day it will be that easy, but until then, I have to try harder to get over this pain.

If you know someone who suffers from depression and is in pain, please don't just brush them off. You'd be surprised how much a simple hug or a “Do you want to talk” will help. And it does. Depression is a real illness...just because you can't see it or even comprehend what someone has to be depressed about, don't make that person feel anymore pain by not believing them.  

Teens and Toddlers!

 Has anyone ever noticed how similar toddlers and teenagers are? You would think that once a child has hit double digits that they would be able to care for themselves and handle their emotions a bit better than their younger counterparts. You would be WRONG.

1.  When a toddler and a teenager are told no, they throw tantrums. Sure the toddler may be throwing themselves on the floor, but the teenager is a bit more subtle...My teen will slam doors, roll her eyes, smack her lips. And she'll do this for days...my toddler, will throw herself on the floor for two minutes and forget what she was mad about.
2. When in a store of any kind, both a toddler and teenager will ask non stop for anything and everything in the store. When told no, they will refer to similarity #1.
3. Anytime you hold a conversation with a toddler or a teenager, someone ends up yelling in your ear. The toddler is yelling because they find it funny as hell to see Mommy squirm from the sound of their high pitched voice and the teenager's iPod is turned up so high, they can't hear themselves think let alone how loud they are speaking to you.
4. Have you ever seen a room after a toddler or a teenager has left it? They usually make such huge messes in such a small amount of time. They are both like tornadoes!! They just whip through a room and rip everything apart!
5. It is amazing how much time a toddler and a teenager can demand. One is always telling you that they want you to see this, and watch them to that. Did you catch your toddler standing on her head? The teenagers demand you take them to the mall, drive them back and forth to their friend's houses, drive them to work, and do to those dreadful parent teacher conferences where you are informed how much your teen has become a pain in their ass.
6. I have never met someone who could eat as much as a toddler or a teenager...It's like they are both bottomless pits! I just don't have enough money to feed the football team that has possessed my toddler AND the teenager at the same time. The rest of us are starving...
7. Have you seen what happens when you let a toddler dress themselves? It's like the whole closet has thrown up all over them. Nothing matches, shoes are mismatched, tiaras are worn, and tights end up over jeans. Something similar happens when a teenager dresses themselves...only instead of the whole closet throwing up on them, they seem to find the smallest, almost non-existent clothing they can find.
8. The hair. The hair. The hair!!! OMG, The HAIR!!! That is all I have to say on that subject.
9. Driving a car with a toddler and teenager is...a challenge. Both want you to turn up their music...You're either jamming out to VeggieTales, or Lil Wayne.
10. Last but not least, neither one, toddler or teenager, listens to a word you have to say. You could tell them both to do something simple. For example, eat all your vegetables or clean your room. The only thing you will get in return is a confused look as to why you are asking them to eat healthily and to pick up after themselves. Try to tell a teenager not to do something because of blah blah blah? They do the opposite. Ever tell the toddler not to touch to stove while it's on because it's hot and they burn themselves anyway? Yup...

So it would seem that the two are one in the same. It seems to me that the only difference between a toddler and a teenager would be that one is taller than the other.  

This Is Why Men Aren't Moms...

Let me start out by saying I love my husband with all I have....but I swear on all that is Holy, I can't leave him alone to do shit!! * sigh * Let me start at the beginning of my day.

03:00 a.m.- Wake up to feed the baby

06:00 a.m.- Wake up the boy to get ready for school

07:00 a.m.- Get the boy on the bus for school

07:15 a.m.- Make sure the sister is up and getting ready for school

08:00 a.m.- Feed the munchkin and the baby

09:30 a.m.- Start laundry

12:45 p.m.- Feed the munchkin and put the munchkin down for a nap and feed the baby

01:45 p.m.- Leave husband with the children to run errands

03:00 p.m.- Go to Wal*Mart and try to muddle through without killing someone

03:20 p.m.- Pick up the sister from school and start calling husband to no avail

03:45 p.m.- Drop off sister at the orthodontist and continue calling husband while pumping in the car

04:15 p.m.- Pick up my contacts and still call the husband

04:30 p.m.- Head home and continue to call husband

I get home and find the husband sound asleep on the couch, the baby in her playpen screaming at the top of her lungs, and the munchkin was quietly sitting in her crib watching “The Backyardigans”, though she was soaked from wetting herself. The boy was standing at the edge of the baby's playpen trying to comfort her with a bottle he defrosted and bottled himself (so proud of him for that). I asked the boy how long his dad had been asleep, and he told me he was asleep when he got home from school. So at least an hour!! I left the house at 1:45!! He was awake!! So, I got the munchkin cleaned up and changed her sheets. Fed the baby and changed her, and hugged the boy. After waking the husband...violently shaking him awake, I started dinner. The husband had the balls to ask me why I was so pissed off at him...while I am chopping vegetables!! I'm holding a sharp-ass knife and he's gonna ask me why I'm pissed off my children were not looked after while I was gone!! Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me??!!! Needless to say, the night did not end well for my loving, yet forgetful-that-he-has children-and-sleeps-all-afternoon-husband.

I don't ask for much. Just a little help with the housework on occasion and if I leave to do something without my kids...that doesn't happen often...that the man that helped me make the kids, could care for them while I am away. * head to desk *

It's Official!!

 Well it's official. My sweet baby boy has been corrupted. The games...the video games, they took my sweet baby. When he wakes up in the morning, he goes straight to the Wii. When he's not eating, he's on the Wii. When he's not sleeping, he's on the Wii. He just turned 7!! I'm just happy he's addicted to a kick ass game...Super Mario Bros!!

I woke up this morning at 7:30. The rest of the house was sound asleep and what was my boy doing, playing Super Mario Brothers! Working on the Castle kicking some bootay!

I am just glad that he isn't playing something overly violent. No COD, or Fallout...I don't even let him play WoW with me. That's my game, lol. It is nice to be able to get him to go outside for a while without having to fight him too much.  

I'm thinking I can blame not only myself for this, but also my husband. We game A LOT!!! Him more than me. My husband can lose himself in WoW. (World of Warcraft) It's amazing how much the husband can immerse himself in that game. There are a few times, I'm pretty sure he sees his life through the eyes of Blizzard.

I love that we are now able to have awesome competitive family game nights though! And believe it or not, my boy has gotten good at kicking butt on the Nintendo! Hmmm...maybe him playing the Wii around the clock isn't a bad thing after all.

I got stuck with Bebe's Kids...

 What in the gay hell is wrong with kids now days?! My son's birthday was this week and he invited some kids in our neighborhood that live down the street from us to his party. I don't mind that my son has neighborhood friends. I don't mind that he has a place to go or that they have a place to go to play safely. Here's my issue, I can't stand when the kids are rude and disrespectful as hell! I was the only adult at this party. My husband had to go to work, and my kids' adopted grandmother had gone home...it was a trying day to say the least.

There is a little boy that is around 5. My son is trying to open his presents and this little boy jumps in and tears open every gift and package. He wouldn't let my boy to have even the smallest little moment to enjoy getting the gifts he received. So not only did he open the gifts, he BROKE them as well!! What the fuck?! My kid had this gift a total of 3 minutes before this little boy broke his toy! No matter what I said to him, he just wouldn't listen. It was driving me crazy.

The little boy had two sisters...one of them was actually behaving and was sweet as be. She can come by anytime :) The other sister though, rude and loud and again, not listening. I had to threaten to beat everybody in the house because this little girl, who is probably around 10 years old, kept trying to stick her finger in my kid's birthday cake. Keep in mind, this is before we even got a chance to sing “Happy Birthday.” She's old enough to know better. She kept trying to take my 7 month old baby to HER house!! Who the hell does that? I just don't know what was going through these kids' heads.

I want to know what the hell their parents do to teach these kids manners? I guess I should think not a damn thing, since their kids didn't have any fucking manners! If you want your child to be a productive member of society, how about teaching them to listen to the adults. Learn to follow directions, don't talk back. Don't try to kidnap babies, and don't stick your little fingers in my God damn cake!! My two year old knows this, why don't your kids know this? Not one of the kids that came over said “Thanks” or “Please” or “May I?” Are we too busy as parents to teach our kids these things now? Are we depending on everyone else to try to teach common courtesy? I can't tell you how frustrated I was when I was serving these kids dinner and all I heard was “I don't like this....” or “I'm not gonna eat that!” Teach your badass children that when they are over at someone else' house, if they are fed, they eat what is offered. Most parents are not short order chefs.  

Why Are You So Stupid?

 So the other day I had the girlfriend of my husband's best friend say with me while our men did whatever it is the menfolk do when they're drinking beer and working on a car. I have met this girl a few times before, so the fact that I nurse should not have been anything new to her, but no...anytime I nursed the baby this girl flipped the fuck out. Let me tell you all about it!

My husband and I decided to grill out that night since his best friend spent all day helping him work on his car. So off (I'll call her R) R and I went to Wal*Mart. We took both the girls with us so that the men wouldn't have to stop working on the cars and could utilize as much daylight as they could. Well the baby was apparently starving halfway through the trip so I latched her on and continued to shop for our dinner while R pushed my eldest daughter in the cart.  I had been walking around the store nursing for 10 minutes before she even noticed I was nursing!!As soon as R realized I was nursing and nursing in public all the stupid shit just started flowing out her mouth...I swear this bitch said “Are you fucking kidding me” diarrhea of the mouth. “I can not believe you would just whip out you tit and start feeding that baby!!” “This is why bottles were invented” “Why didn't you ask me if I was comfortable with you nursing her while we were shopping?” 

I had to remind myself very quickly that I had to be nice to this person because she is the girlfriend of a great friend. That in itself took a lot of will power. The fact that I didn't slap the stupid of her face surprised the mom that was shopping next to me. Her jaw hit the ground when R started off. So after I politely, yet sternly informed her as to why I was nursing my daughter in the middle of Wal*Mart, I had to walk away for a bit...still nursing by the way. We get home in time to put the food on the grill and cook the sides. After the sides were done cooking, the baby became hungry again, so I sit down and start to nurse her again. AGAIN, R asks me “Do you want me to get you a bottle so you can feed her?” I don't understand how a woman who is 22 years old can say something so stupid. I have to wonder if she even heard the words that were coming out of her mouth. But just in case she really is that dense, I want to make something perfectly clear:

I breast feed my child. I feed her when ever and where ever she is hungry. I do not use bottles when I am with her because I don't need to. If you have a problem with me breast feeding my baby, do me a favor and look away. I don't hold a gun to your head and force you to watch me feed her. I don't care if my baby breast feeding makes you uncomfortable, your face makes me uncomfortable and you don't hear me bitching to you about it, do you?

So, now that I have that off my chest, I can stop being nice to people and just squirt them with my boob juice anytime they have something to say about my breast feeding. Don't believe me? Say something... :)

Is It Really Worth It?

 I would like to know just what it is that people find so important that they must text and drive. I was bringing my daughter home from her grandparents' when all of a sudden two cars slam into each other. My poor baby was scared shitless, but she calmed down as soon as she saw the “pretty car lights” --Police cars. Anyway, after the dust settled, we found out that the driver that did not have the right of way wasn't paying attention because she was texting and driving and drove through the intersection.

This car hit the guy right in front of me. The whole time we were waiting for the cops, all I kept thinking was “what if this asshole hit me? I would be in jail because I would kill a bitch” There is nothing so important via text that you have to respond to while driving. They have hands-free devices for phones. Invest in one. Call the person. OR Pull. The. Fuck. Over!

Let me give you guys some statistics, because you know you want to know. When a driver texts while driving, his reaction time will decrease by 35%. When texting, steering capability goes down by a tremendous amount; 91%. A driver is twenty three times more likely to get into a car accident while driving and texting *Shocker!*. About 13% of adult drivers have surfed the Internet while driving. Younger drivers were more likely to engage in distracted driving. Men were more likely to drive while drowsy, drive after drinking, read a map, use a GPS system, and use the Internet. No wonder men's insurance rates are so damn high!! Let's not forget about the fines...if you are found texting and driving you can spend up to a year in jail and $1500 in fines. Not to mention the lives you could ruin or end. So after just a handful of information out there, why would you risk it?

My Crazy Life Part 2

 After the phone call I received the phone call that my Dad ran away instead of facing his consequences, I was pretty upset. They promised me they would do all they could to bring him justice. So I cooperated with the police through out the years he was gone and while he was in custody. My husband thought it would be a good idea to see a therapist, so that's what I did. For three years I saw a psychologist who helped me deal with it. I honestly don't think I could have made it through all this mentally without her.

My “father” was on the run for 5 years...the Marshals found him in Oklahoma, seriously 2 hours away. My paternal grandmother put her house up for his bond. $75,000!!! His bail was $750k! Now the local prosecutors kept pushing back the court date. I gave them details and they were even able to get evidence of several of the incidents. However, because of his attorneys doing their jobs and saying “prove it” the prosecutors office didn't feel they were able to bring the case to trial. Of course, the fact that I was not getting any kind of justice at all never crossed their mind.

So they put my case on the back burner for a year. They told me if in that year no new evidence was found, they would close the case forever. A year passed and they closed the case. It's pretty accurate to say I'm a bit bitter and upset over the fact that I got screwed by our justice system. To be honest, I didn't think I would win the case, but just to be able to have him held accountable for what he did, and for the world to KNOW what he did would have been enough for me. It is heart breaking to have to go through all that I did and not be able to have any kind of justice from it. All I got was a pat on the shoulder and a “So Sorry we didn't do what you came to us for.”

The one good thing I can say that came out of this is that I no longer feel victimized...pissed off as hell, yes, but no longer victimized. I am now in control of my life and what happens in it, not him.  

My Crazy Life Part 1

In the 25 years I have been alive, I do have to say that most of that was awesome!! I have three of the most beautiful babies that have ever lived and they are my world. I wake up everyday and just can't believe how lucky I am to have them. It took me a few years to even realize how lucky I am to not only have my children, but also the man in my life that helped create them....My husband. Errol has seen me at my worst and at my best. Surprisingly, my worst didn't scare him away, it had the opposite effect. He stuck to me like Krazy Glue.

From the first day we were together, he made me feel so safe. I just knew without even having to think about it that he would forever hold me safely in his arms. And to be honest, those are my favorite place in the whole world to be...in his arms. It was almost 18 months before he knew my darkest secret. I didn't want him to leave me so I kept it to myself until one day while visiting my Mom with our son that I thought my sisters were in danger of the same thing happening. I finally broke and told not only my Mother what had gone on, but also my husband.

For as long as I could remember until I was 17 years old, I was molested and raped by my father. The only reason it stopped when I was 17 was because I left his house and moved in with a friend of mine. Anyway, the weekend I told my family what happened, my father had custody of my younger sisters for the week and was supposed to have them back that Sunday night...when it started getting late, I couldn't sleep and got really nauseated because I just kept thinking he was hurting them as well. He dropped the girls off first thing the next morning and my Mom didn't say two words to him...which was probably the safest thing for her to do. She was so angry and hurt that I don't think she knew what to do. She drove us all back home...Houston to Arkansas...we made great time 7.5 hours. Before we left, she made me call my husband and try to talk to him, but all I could do was cry. He thought I was leaving him, so when we showed at home, he was so relieved. Then, the cops showed up and my Mom made me report what happened to the cops and press charges and get a restraining order since my dad lived in the same area as myself and my family.

The justice system worked very fast at this. Within days I had a permanent restraining order in place and they had a warrant to arrest my father. Unfortunately, because of the restraining order, he had a heads up as to what was going on. So he packed himself, his girlfriend (who is 3 years older than me), and my little brother up and left town the day the warrant was to be executed. The police misesd him by literally 35 minutes.