Follow by Email

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

It Hurts

 I know you all like to laugh, but today is a serious post for me. I don't know if y'all know, but I suffer from depression. I've had it from the time I was a teenager, but never dealt with it until my early twenties when I had to. Before my husband and I started trying to conceive our middle child, we and my mental health providers had a month long deliberation on how well I would be able to return to “normal” after being weaned off my medications. To be honest, I was so happy to be off of them. I felt like a walking zombie. I was more docile, but I wasn't myself. Even my husband could tell I wasn't myself. We just never found the right balance of medications.

Now instead of medicating with pharmaceuticals, I just try to watch my diet and keep a close eye on my emotions. They do run really high every once in a while, and then they get so low. The past week or so has been a low week. A lot of people think that depression is just made up. It's not just that one is really sad. Sadness can be just a part of it, or nothing to do with it at all. Mine comes from anger, stress, and the process of still learning how to mentally cope with those feelings.

I can't tell you how much it hurts. It's not just a mental and emotional pain, it physically hurts! My muscles ache, my stomach is in knots, I get dizzy, nauseated, and a headache. It's almost like I'm suffering from a massive hangover after being beaten to a pulp. I don't want to get out of bed at times...of course I have to because I have 4 children to look after.

I hate when I hit these depression spells. My family doesn't get the Mom/Wife they deserve when I'm in them. I feel like such a bad parent and spouse because I have decided to forgo western medicine to help me deal with it. I just don't feel like myself when I'm on them. All my umph is gone. I wish there was a more mainstream holistic way to help deal with it. I have so much more than just myself I have to worry about when I take something. Everything I ingest, I worry about how it will effect my baby and my milk supply.

I am hoping that one day balancing out our brain chemistry will be much easier than it is now. And it won't take 15 different medications to do so. What I would love to happen would be if more people understood just how much of a pain in the ass depression is. How painful it is. How much it just breaks a person or family down. I wish it could be as easy to walk into a psychologist or psychiatrists office and ask for help as it is to walk into a family physician or chiropractor's office and say “this hurts, please fix it.” Hopefully one day it will be that easy, but until then, I have to try harder to get over this pain.

If you know someone who suffers from depression and is in pain, please don't just brush them off. You'd be surprised how much a simple hug or a “Do you want to talk” will help. And it does. Depression is a real illness...just because you can't see it or even comprehend what someone has to be depressed about, don't make that person feel anymore pain by not believing them.  


  1. Girl.. you know you can always talk to me. With having the Bipolar I also suffer numerous depressive bouts and they are awful. I can sympathize and am giving you a huge cyber hug... love you girlie..